How Does WordPress Work?!

I cannnot be the only one who is clueless aboutj how to use this wordpress thing. I keep going from my phone to my computer and clicking on this or that thing. Where did my blog entry go? I thought it was published and now this is my featured but why is my other entry before the featured??????? UGHFHEWJKDNBVKFNVIBFWEfn.

IM

SO

CONFUSED

This is why people like  me dont have blogs even though we want one but im gonna try and work out my differences here with wordpress so hopefully I will have a successful blog eventually.

But, im not even sure how you even find other peoples blogs on here.

I need a freaking youtube tutorial on how to use wordpress.

You know, a visual step by step.

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An Open Letter To My Biological Mom In Heaven

Mom.

You gave me up for adoption because you had to do what was best (you and I know this story better than anybody) and then you guys found me again. I’m so thankful for that. I’m so thankul for all of the wonderful times that we spent together while you were on this earth.

I’m so sorry that we got separated through all of this mess the past couple years. It’s my fault and I feel terrible. I have always felt terrible which is probably why I was too scared to talk to you again. I thought you were too disappointed in me. I was wrong. There was never a day that I didn’t think about you and all of the things we have ever talked about or spent time doing together.

I will never forget the first time we met. You picked me up at the airport and you got out of the car and hugged me and cried so much. It was the best moment of my life because for the first time ever, my heart felt complete.

In a short amount of time, we had been through so much. I cherished every moment I ever spent with you. I’ll never forget every detail and every thing you told me.

I didn’t find out that you had passed away until Christmas day 2016. My heart felt like it had just shattered into a billion pieces. That was the worst feeling in the world and I found out through facebook. Nobody even tried to reach out to tell me because they’re all mad at me for things that they don’t understand. I know you understand now though. Even though things will never be the same and my sisters and your whole side of the family may never talk to me again, it’s okay. I don’t expect them to understand like you would have.

I’ve been trying to deal with my emotions and the adjustments knowing that you’re not here anymore. No matter how many times I wanna pick up the phone, I can’t. The only thing that I still hold close to me is the cross necklace you gave to me back in 2013. You told me that you wanted me to have it so that I never forget you and that I have something of you.

I’m proud of you though for being so strong during all the surgeries and treatments. Cancer was such a bitch but you also knew how valuable life was and still decided to see it’s beauty. It was hard seeing you though go through surgery all the time and never knowing the outcome.

There’s so much that I want to say in this to you, mom.

Like, Pitch Perfect 2 will always be emotional to me because it’s the last movie I saw with you.

I wish I could have told you i’m sorry sooner. I wish that I could have told you that I loved you one last time.

However, I do know that you’re watching over me and I can talk to you all the time. It’s not the same though.

With so many sleepless nights, I lay awake and cry and stare at the pictures of you on my wall. I wish I could feel your presence watching over me. I wish God could send you down here to tell me something, anything. I wish He would send you down for a second so that I can tell you I love you.

Thank you for giving me life. Thank you for finding me again and loving me like you’ve always had me there with you.

I love you so much, mom.

We will meet again one day. For now, enjoy your new life with God, free from pain and suffering. No more surgeries, no more chemo, no more radiation, no more doctor visits, no more struggling.

You will be forever loved and missed by everyone.

Always my mom and always your daughter.

Who loves In N Out?! I love In N Out!

So, I’m gonna throw you guys back into the past few days.

Sorry I’ve been a little M.I.A. Some things are just BORING over here these days and its hard to find something to write about every single day sooo I’ve decided…….I can try!  Woohoo!

I’ve been basically double dating with some teenagers for the past 6 hours. Not saying it wasn’t fun because it was but it makes me feel old…..ish. Ugh. Please. Let’s not talk about it.

Instead let’s talk about the fact that I’ve found an ‘in n out’ 3 hours away from me! Why am I so excited? 3 hours is a long ways away! Right. But its closer than taking a plane to California or Arizona just to get the most amazing food, EVER. So, yes next weekend we are driving 3 hours away to get a burger lmao. That sounds horrible but I don’t care. Also not good for my “diet” I’ve been trying to keep. You know those diets we all claim to be on but one cheat day ends up turning into two then three then so on. I mean I haven’t had 3 straight cheat days( or have I?)but it seems like it. Eating healthy seems so boring but that’s okay, I just haven’t gotten the hang of it yet. I wish we were just born to automatically know how to eat healthy.

Yesterday, I don’t even know what happened yesterday. Oh, yeah. We watched that animated movie ‘Sing’ online. Its so cute!!! Now what’s better Sing or Zootopia?? Hard choice. But I do have to say that Tori Kelly’s voice is amazing and in my opinion, is better than Ariana Grande’s voice. Tori Kelly is underrated.

Nothing really happened at all this weekend. Wow. My life is freaking fun. Ha! Tomorrow just gets even better because its cleaning day. I mean laundry and picking up everything else in my room, laundry, bathroom duty, and did I mention laundry??

But let me tell you this, I’ll just post a few throwback stories that are more interesting. Maybe some things you can relate to.

BTW, thank you to the two people who read the open letter to my biological mother. It means a lot to me that someone starred it, let alone viewed it. I guess I just wrote it out loud for myself and my mom. Dealing with her death and my biological family’s shun has been really hard but God has a plan, like always. I have to focus on the family I’ve started of my own.

Xoxo

Everybody Needs A Little Love

Whaaaatsssuuup?!

Yeah, no. Lol. This is a more serious post.

Anyways, I was just lurking through an old friends Facebook page and I came back to a post where she graduated last year and made a post. I kept reading it because it was so long and I found a list of names that she said she wouldn’t tag. The list contained my name, my brothers, and a few other bad influences that she and my brother hung out with. The post continued to state some things about good and bad times, trust, heart breaks, good times, bad times, etc and how she would never forget the impact we made on her life. I’m thinking ‘how the hell did I end up on a list of untagged bad influences?’ I know it sounds bad especially because my brother is on that list (that’s another story but there’s its reasons). I don’t quite understand how I was a bad influence on her. I mean, I’m stunned. I wasn’t the bad type. I had my moments like any other teen, and my attitudes but I’ve never tried to be a bad person and I’m not. I have had my fair share of reasons for doing the things that I have done these past 3 years. I wish I could share those things with you but I am not ready to go back to that deep dark personal part of my life, I’m still trying to cope with the things I’ve gone through. But seriously, you haven’t even spoken to me and you can post something with my name on it like that and then see me when I move back here and smile in my face??

I have gotten my feelings hurt a lot because of what I’ve had to do to protect myself and my family. Not only emotionally but physically and mentally. It makes me sad that I can’t speak of the unspoken. I’ve left it in Gods hands. I’ve lost friendships, relationships, trust, I’ve broken that bond I have with some people but its like I said before, I did what I had to do. I’m not sorry for trying to protect my life from danger.

But to all the people that I used to be friends with: that friendship has died and I wish it hadn’t. You spoke of me behind my back without trying to help me or understand me after 7 years of friendship. I trusted you and you betrayed me.

To my biological family: I may have betrayed you the most but never did you take the time to try to understand what was going on. And instead of reaching out to me for once, you left me to fend for myself, turned me away, blocked me, and called me a fake sibling. I trusted you and you betrayed me.

To my exes: you have looked me in the eyes and lied, stolen from me, cheated on me, manipulated me, knew my story and still continued to drag me down. I trusted you and you betrayed me.

To the people who don’t know me: you hear things about me and you talk about me as if you know me. You don’t. You don’t pay my bills, feed me, put clothes on my back or a roof over my head. I could care less about your opinions. This is to the Walmart girls that I didn’t even know that said my name when I was getting in my car and laughed while staring at me.

Go ahead and laugh. Go ahead and talk. Everybody is going through their own things. But, the things that I’ve been through are the things that I will never wish on anybody.

I’m glad that I have no friends and that I’ve seen everybody’s true colors. I’ve made my mistakes and did my things but nobody heard my cry for help. I am me because of these things and I’m in a good place right now. However, I hope that in the future you all stop to think before you act, know the situation before you judge. Be aware of your surroundings. Speak up don’t speak about. (You can tell a big difference in my pictures of my face the past 3 years and now- big difference!)

Your actions are the things that speak the loudest about who you are.

Even though this is all the past, I can’t forget about all of these people who had a negative influence on my life. I’m sorry if you felt like I was a negative influence in yours but shit happens and we grow and move on from it.

Be careful out there. Everybody’s quick to stab you in the back.

Xoxo

Lets Talk About In Laws…

So, in case anybody actually noticed ive been outta here for a little bit. Had some other things going on so writing on my blog wasnt the first thing that came to mind.

Anyways, im here now and this is a very touchy subject right now so lets dive into it.

As ive mentioned before, I recently got married and if you’re married then you know the best part about marriage. Your in laws. If you’re dealing with a rough time because of your in laws, dont come here for advice because i’m still struggling myself. But, if you want to know that you’re not alone in knowing what to do then that’s where I come in with a story about mine.

The worst of my in laws would have to be my sister in law. Now, things used to be fine at least that’s what I used to think. The root of the problem was that my husband, before he met me, would spend tons and tons of money on his family just because they’re his family. So, throughout the years I guess they just started to expect those kinds of things from him. So, fast forward to when I moved into his parents house with him. Things were good, to me. It wasn’t long though because I had so much stuff of mine. I had a ton of makeup stuff and perfumes. Now, I set my perfumes a certain way so that I know if they had been touched. Turns out, my SIL thought that she could walk straight into our room and use all of my stuff without my permission and I confronted her about it and she told me she used it but the way she was talking was like the “oh yeah, because I can do whatever I want” kind of attitude. I was pissed. So, I ended up storing all my makeup away where she wouldn’t be able to help herself. I left the perfumes out and turned them all back to the front again. After this little episode, I started feeling uneasy about her but just shrugged it off. We had been okay throughout those next few months. Then there was also my MIL who never wanted my help whatsoever. My husband is a mama’s boy so my MIL had done everything for him to the point where I couldn’t do anything for him. She had full control over her baby boy so no girl ever could. Little things with her started to come up here and there like she would do everybody’s laundry but mine, she would come in our room without permission (which I get it’s her house but c’mon it was our room), If she knew we had plans, she would try and change them or always make comments, and never let me help her do anything. I felt really lonely and unwanted. However, things started calming down for the next few months and I learrned to bite my tounge on alot of things because things were going so good with all of us. After those handful of months, my husband (still bf at the time), wanted to ask my mom if we could move in at her house until we found a place of our own because of the problems with his sister. My mom said yes and though I didn’t want to stay at either house, I was more certain we would have more privacy and a better relationship. I let my husband go alone to talk to his family about moving out because of how they are. He told me  on his way back to my moms that things had went fairly well.

Now, lets fast forward to three months after that. My husband and I wanted to get married. We got our marriage license and we set a date to be married by the court. However, to eliminate family drama and negative energy on a day about us, we made the decision together to not have either of our families there that day but only at our actual wedding that we planned on having in 2017 since all of this was happening in 2016. Anyways, we asked 2 mutual friends to be there as witnesses for that day. We went to my husbands parents house to tell them. My MIL waited until my husband was in the attic looking for something of ours to tell me that we couldn’t be married by the court until we got married by the church. Of course I didn’t believe her. My husband came down from the attic to finish talking about it and we all sat in the living room talking. My SIL even said “so what are you gonna wear that day since we won’t be there?”. Of course they were sad, just like my parents but they put us through alot and we just wanted one day to be about us with no negative comments, and my MIL acting like i’m invisible, or my SIL making it a day about her.  We don’t regret that decision at all.

However, all hell broke loose after that. I guess my in laws thought that my husband was gonna magically walk through the door and tell them to get dressed and they were gonna come with us to see us get married so when that didn’t happen, they were pissed. They started posting all over facebook how they weren’t invited and that they didn’t know that we were getting married and that they had to find out through one of our friends we had there with us. These things started spreading to all of my husbands side of the family and to family friends. We were shocked. My husband was shocked because he didn’t expect these things to come from his own family. Later on, we started hearing that we only got married because I was pregnant which wasn’t even true and those were rumors that my MIL started. We felt so alone and miserable because we didn’t know what to do. It finally made sense to me because everybody had always been asking if I was pregnant. I was hurt that they didn’t accept me. We even went to go see my SIL one night when she got off at work, we had waited outsde her job to talk to her. She started making a scene like always and crying. She was saying that we didn’t do things right and that we didn’t tell them that we were getting married. She didn’t know why we had moved out and my husband hurt everybody in the family and  he only thought about himself. She told him that his family should always come first before anybody, even me. He tried explaining to her that by getting married, we are a family now and that when we have kids and our kids are suffering and his family is suffering that he’s gonna care for our kids first and take care of his own family before he can help them and my SIL kept shaking her no saying that wasn’t right because “we’ve always been there for you before anybody else”. That was a really selfish thing to say. He ended up wrapping up the conversation with her so we could just get the hell out of there. There are nights that my SIL came to my parents house late at night ringing the doorbell so my husband would go out there and talk to her and all she would do is yell at him and tell him how horrible he is and his decisions are wrong and how he needs to come back home. Same things all the time. She would even try and convince him to let her take him out to eat just them two without me.

Eventually, I was tired of the way I was being treated. I stopped showing up to their family events, parties, and everything. I cried almost every night because I thought this was never ending torture and they were never going to accept me. I put up with as much as I could at that point and we went at like midnight one night and I sat in the car until my FIL came outside and I confronted him about things. He said he had no problems and that he personally hadn’t said anything. To this day he will still say that we never told them we were getting married but that’s it. My MIL and SIL had then came outside because they hadn’t seen me in over a month. My SIL started crying and hugging me saying that she’s sorry. And my MIL hugged me and dragged me inside and we talked a little bit more and things had been calm since then. Since then, I can’t really complain about my MIL & FIL. We have been on really good terms. The only thing that has grown worse is my SIL.

My SIL is psycho (which is a lack of a better term). The only thingI do now is put up with her but I most definitely don’t like her anymore. Alot of people will let their in laws stomp all over them and they take it because that’s their husband. Not me. I’ve dealt with too much crap. I tell my husband exactly how I feel, how they make me feel, what boundaries need to be set, and we communicate. We come to an agreement together. There has never been a day that i’ve made him choose sides or told him that he can’t go see his family. I made that clear to all of them that he makes his own choices and I only push him to call them or go see them every now and then but i’ve never said you can’t go see your family or talk to them which was also a misunderstanding with them.

Anyways, my SIL is constantly picking on my husband. She’s constantly making jokes about him, picking on him, telling embarassing stories about him. Everything and anything. She calls herself the “queen”. Queen of my butt! She invites herself over to where we live all the time. Unannounced. Sometimes we have plans, or we just want to be alone and she would come over almost everyday and end up starting some kind of drama. If she’s not the center of attention, she will find a way to make it about her. So, most recently, we haven’t spoken to her in a little over a  month. Why? Here’s a good story. We ran into one of their cousins at the store. He always comes around and hangs out with any of us. He had been hanging around my SIL most and he said he hadn’t heard from her so he asked if we knew and all we said was that she quit her job and we didn’t know anything else. He ended up asking her about it when he called  her and she got pissed and called my husband and started cussing him out. So, his first time ever cussing at her said “F U!” and hung up on her. We went the next day to their parents house to talk to them about her and what happened. My MIL understood and everything and my husband said that she wasn’t welcome to our house right now. Later that night, my MIL let us listen to the conversation they had with her when they got home. The usual crying and same stories about how we tell everybody her business (which we haven’t), and her claiming that she “just wants to be with him!” (him being my husband).

A week later, my FIL had a long conversation with my husband on speaker phone about the way that we treat my SIL. We were super shocked then…..what kind of way do we treat her?! No type of way! He said that we needed to talk to her and apologize which my husband refuses to do because he didn’t do or say anything bad for her to cuss him out like that. My SIL being daddy’s little girl, has my FIL wrapped around her finger. He even told us on the phone that day that he can’t say no to her. They refuse to put boundaries with her and set rules with her. My FIL even got into the fact where him and my MIL feel like they shouldn’t have to call their kids that only the kids should have to call their parents. So, they get mad if my husband doesn’t call them everyday. Ridiculous bc my husband is a grown man that is married. Anywho, my FIL told my SIL that she’s not allowed to come over to our house. Well, most recently being last week, my husband had fell asleep early one night and with the auto reject on, my SIL called him 3 times and he didn’t see them until the next day. He texted her when he saw them but she never responded. A couple days later we passed them at the store in a parking lot. We went to go see his mom bc we hadn’t seen them for a while since the thing with my SIL. My husband said hey to her and she got in the car and slammed the door. He continued on to see his mom and started talking to her. My MIL kept trying to tell my husband to apologize to my SIL and he said no that he shouldn’t have to apologize for doing nothing to her just to make her happy. He explained that he isn’t gonna let his sister run his life and push him around. My SIL got out of the car and started crying like usual but she started yelling at and cussing at my husband in the parking lot in front of people. My SIL claimed that he didn’t even ask how she was doing (but seriously, how? You got in the car and slammed the door when he said hey). He told her “I didn’t come here for you, I came here to see my mom” she said good and started crying and yelling still and my husband ignored her and started talking in my MIL’s ear. We said goodbye to her and walked back to our car while my SIL was still yelling and crying. Seriously though, she was also mad bc he didn’t answer her calls a couple days before. She had also kept asking why he hadn’t been coming to the house and I mean….do you really blame him for not wanting to go? She starts stuff like that all the time. There has been a ton of times when my SIL has started things between my husband and I. She likes to stir up the pot. Before, I used to get angry. Now, I have learned to let it go. She still tries to get in our personal business like if my husband is paying his credit card bills, opening his mail if it accidentally goes to his parents house, trying to lure him to come back home. She goes behind my back and tries to convince him that I don’t love him, or if he comes back home he doesn’t have to pay rent (which he offered to give my mom for the meantime), or he wouldn’t have to pay for food. Even for Christmas when I told her WE had already gotten her her gift, she kept saying to me that she insisted her brother buy her these $120 shoes or this $200 jacket. Sometimes she just calls to brag about how good her life is sometimes. Why is that? Because she doesn’t have to pay any of her bills and she is 20. I have never dealt with so much drama in my life. My husband told me a couple weeks back, well he asked me if it was bad that things were so much better between us without his sister in our lives. I told him that she is called a toxic person. I’m not wrong. She is toxic to our relationship. Our marriage. I’m terrified of him talking to her again, as bad as that sounds, it’s because of all that she’s done. Somehow it’s okay for her to do what she wants and spread every detail of our business to the whole world, which she does but when we say something as little as she quit her job, it’s the end of the world. There’s only so much that we can do. We set boundaries with her that she needed to ask before she came over and she still just showed up or told us she’s coming not ask. When we are with her, all she does is talk about herself and how hard life is for her. Who wants to be around anybody who talks about themselves 25/8?! NOBODY!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m still dealing with this stress myself. My husband has already said she’s not gonna know where we live when we get our house. And I told him she’s most definitely not allowed in our house or around our kids when we have any because, one, she’s trying to control my husband and our marriage, two, it seems like she’s trying to ruin our marriage before it even starts, and three, we don’t need that negative energy in our home. It ruins us. Honestly, I feel bad that we have to do all of this to his sister but now we have to protect the family that we created by getting married. We’ve even considered moving out of the state to where she can’t disrupt our family because we want to have kids eventually and adopt as well and just be happy overall and it seems like she won’t let us do that. I could sit here and tell you everything she’s ever done. I would be writing a tell all book so of course I haven’t included everything. My husband thinks the fact that we are not reacting to her is pissing her off even more. If we don’t give her attention, she’s gonna get pissed. She used to be just a little bit nicer but now it’s a nightmare. People around us think she’s a jealous ex gf.

I know this story is all over the place bc with my in laws, things happen like that. Now, I have to constantly make sure she’s not trying to manipulate my husband and taking him away from me which he’s assured me I shouldn’t have to that I should know he’s not going anywhere but I can’t help it. We’re in such a good place. She can ruin it in under ten seconds. Obviously, i’m still dealing with this stuff and I hope that my story has helped others know that you’re not alone when it comes to the in laws. Hopefully one day we will be in a good spot. I’m not asking for advice bc I mean we’ve been given more than enough advice but nothing works bc….my SIL is psycho. But, if you have an input or a crazy story about your in laws then there’s the comment section down below!