An Open Letter To My Biological Mom In Heaven

Mom.

You gave me up for adoption because you had to do what was best (you and I know this story better than anybody) and then you guys found me again. I’m so thankful for that. I’m so thankul for all of the wonderful times that we spent together while you were on this earth.

I’m so sorry that we got separated through all of this mess the past couple years. It’s my fault and I feel terrible. I have always felt terrible which is probably why I was too scared to talk to you again. I thought you were too disappointed in me. I was wrong. There was never a day that I didn’t think about you and all of the things we have ever talked about or spent time doing together.

I will never forget the first time we met. You picked me up at the airport and you got out of the car and hugged me and cried so much. It was the best moment of my life because for the first time ever, my heart felt complete.

In a short amount of time, we had been through so much. I cherished every moment I ever spent with you. I’ll never forget every detail and every thing you told me.

I didn’t find out that you had passed away until Christmas day 2016. My heart felt like it had just shattered into a billion pieces. That was the worst feeling in the world and I found out through facebook. Nobody even tried to reach out to tell me because they’re all mad at me for things that they don’t understand. I know you understand now though. Even though things will never be the same and my sisters and your whole side of the family may never talk to me again, it’s okay. I don’t expect them to understand like you would have.

I’ve been trying to deal with my emotions and the adjustments knowing that you’re not here anymore. No matter how many times I wanna pick up the phone, I can’t. The only thing that I still hold close to me is the cross necklace you gave to me back in 2013. You told me that you wanted me to have it so that I never forget you and that I have something of you.

I’m proud of you though for being so strong during all the surgeries and treatments. Cancer was such a bitch but you also knew how valuable life was and still decided to see it’s beauty. It was hard seeing you though go through surgery all the time and never knowing the outcome.

There’s so much that I want to say in this to you, mom.

Like, Pitch Perfect 2 will always be emotional to me because it’s the last movie I saw with you.

I wish I could have told you i’m sorry sooner. I wish that I could have told you that I loved you one last time.

However, I do know that you’re watching over me and I can talk to you all the time. It’s not the same though.

With so many sleepless nights, I lay awake and cry and stare at the pictures of you on my wall. I wish I could feel your presence watching over me. I wish God could send you down here to tell me something, anything. I wish He would send you down for a second so that I can tell you I love you.

Thank you for giving me life. Thank you for finding me again and loving me like you’ve always had me there with you.

I love you so much, mom.

We will meet again one day. For now, enjoy your new life with God, free from pain and suffering. No more surgeries, no more chemo, no more radiation, no more doctor visits, no more struggling.

You will be forever loved and missed by everyone.

Always my mom and always your daughter.